A lost part of me

Date: 13th March' 10.
Time: Early morning.
I stared at the stick in disbelief. Two straight, pink lines. No doubt about it…PREGNANT. Oh my God! A month ago, when we had our doubts and visited a doc, she confirmed in negative. Now all of a sudden positive. I did not know whether to be happy or sad. My pregnancy was not 'unwanted' but we were not just ready to accept that the doctors can goof up on something so simple as this. I had wanted a baby badly and for so much time now. The baby bug had bitten me long long time before I was even married. But the doctors had created a lot of confusion for us over these 2 months. And this wasn't a good time for me to get pregnant as it was a time to pack all our stuff and move on to the next location. Husband was going to be away from me for a couple of months... even more. So, I wouldn't get his moral and physical support which I heard is very essential for first-timers like us. But I thought since we were going to be away from each other for a while now, the least I could do was to have our first baby from the man I loved so. And it just happened, though I didn't think God would answer my prayers and it would happen so fast. Now a mix of excitement and sheer terror washed over me. Of course I was sure I wanted to have this baby. Good Lord, what was I thinking? Husband, on the other hand, had a practical yet indifferent approach. He made it clear that since we wouldn't be together for sometime now, I would have to take care of things by myself. He had to be deeply engrossed in his studies for a very important exam that would matter a lot in his career growth. And here I was, so foolish in love carrying his child in my womb, thinking of nothing else but the tiny soul growing inside me every day. My skin and complexion glowed. Nausea was my constant companion. I had developed an undying urge to gorge on gol-gappas and South-Indian food. I could never go anywhere near food and not have the tendency to throw up. My bladder had shrunk to the size of a kidney bean, which required me to pee exactly every thirteen minutes. My body was on this wild, hormonal ride, and I had terrible mood-swings. But I was adamant. It hit me even more when we saw the first sonogram of our baby on the monitor. That's when I really and truly realized this was my baby… 'our' Baby. The past nausea-weeks, the frequent urination, and all the other inconveniences, well, they just melted away. Nothing seemed to matter anymore as I looked at this amazingly tiny person inside my womb. At just 6 weeks old, my little miracle was already formed so perfectly, yet so small… just about four centimeters... with a tiny helpless heart beating... almost like a flickering flame. But I have to say, the most amazing transformation of all... how neurotic I had become about this little person inside me. I was so happy I cried out of joy. And I was amazed to see the sparkle in my husband's eyes. How proud he looked. And happy. This was the first time I saw sheer joy in him about 'our baby' and the fact that he finally got ready to become a father. He was all caring and loving and kissed my little Buddha-belly about ten times a day. We didn't know if it'd be a girl or a boy, but my husband started calling the baby 'junior' already. When he asked me what name are we gonna decide and how, I had 2 names ready for a baby girl and a baby boy, whoever arrived. But I felt we'd have a little girl... plump and fair, who would look exactly like her dad. I'd picture her dressed in frilly frocks, curly hair with ribbon-laced pony-tails, taking her first steps, walking to school, growing into her teens, getting her driver's license, going to college, getting married, having babies of her own... her whole life would flash right before my eyes. I would have thoughts about what a big, ugly world is waiting out there for 'her'.... the one filled with bad people, heartbreaks, cancer, violence, drugs, alcohol, teenage-pregnancy, depression and suicide... and then I would go to my husband and hug him tight, thanking God that I don't just have a man who I love, but a real man to father our love child, supported by an institution of marriage, a man who is strong enough to stand by me and my baby and protect us both from the ugliness of this bad world. And I would instantly feel safe and secure. Whenever I stepped into a departmental store to shop for some summer wear, I would be automatically drawn towards the maternity section without even realizing it. I would pick up pregnancy books from bookstores when I had actually stopped to buy the latest best-sellers.
And then my nightmare began...
In the midst of all the chaos of shifting locations and our stuff from the north to the northeast, the excitement of experiencing this essence of being a woman in the truest sense, my whole world of dreams just shattered before my eyes, without me being able to do anything at all about it. I lost our first ray of hope and the soul beating inside me. I was torn apart and I had to give it all up---my dreams, my hopes, my smiles... I never felt this weak before. I cried my heart out, but I knew nobody could wipe out my tears within... nobody could take away my pain... nobody could make me guilt-free... nobody could fill the void that shadowed that phase of my life without my husband near me... nobody could give me answers to anything at all... But in that instant I realized there were many more sadder things that could have happened. I realized that whatever happens, might happen with a good reason. I realized that I cannot give up on life and hope and that we have to carry on with life as it comes to us. But most of all, I realized what it is like to be ready in all senses to really become a mother to a little person who would be born out of me some day.
The best part of this most painful experience in my life is that husband and I have discovered each other again and it feels like we have fallen in love with each other again... just like for the first time ever...